Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
starting a garage orchestra
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen