Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
what day is it?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.