Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Go hard or stay average
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?