Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.