Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
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It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Bring back the McRib
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.