Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
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*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
they finally got him. they got macavity
everyone’s a critic
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.