Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
You Might Also Like
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
peak technology
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Thursday
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.