some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing