All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it