@ceejoyner Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
@RunOldMan Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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@ceejoyner 
@BenOnus_Kenobus Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
@cocainepoops girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
@JosesLovesYou For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
@tayandmae I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
@JoroPotential The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
@daemonic3 Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
@OuterJohn Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
@brendohare By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
@jonnysun DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city