@RunOldMan

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

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@ceejoyner

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

@BenOnus_Kenobus

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

@cocainepoops

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

@JosesLovesYou

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

@tayandmae

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

@JoroPotential

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

@daemonic3

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me

– Kanye West warming up

@OuterJohn

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

@jonnysun

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city