Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
had to make it
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.