@Benjamin4501 All right stop, coagulate and thicken
@RunOldMan Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
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@Benjamin4501 
@UncleDuke1969 “Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
@StarWarsProblms Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
@notfaizzy …her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
@NYC_Blonde A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
@papasuncle Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
@krisv_723 *on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
@lawrencekingyo 
@IfIwassomething Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
@awlivv falling in love with me is cool more people should do it