Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc


Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist


…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.


A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die


Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.


*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.


Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.


falling in love with me is cool more people should do it