Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
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ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake