Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.