Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*