Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
when mom throws a party…
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.