Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I created you as mosquito food.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions