Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
pictures of spider-man
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.