Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
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Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Every haunted house movie:
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.