Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
You Might Also Like
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.