some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”