Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol