Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good