Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.