Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.