Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You Might Also Like
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”