some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.