Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
You Might Also Like
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.