some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?