Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.