Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Growing out my freckles.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids