Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Krampus.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.