some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.