Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
dads on road-trips be like
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
This is always good for a laugh.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.