“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
6: are snakes just neck?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health