“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
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What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.