Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.