Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
forgive me baja for i have blast
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.