Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.