some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
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“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…