Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
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Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
i baked you a cake
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.