Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
LOL
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Goodnight 🐶
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.