Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Bros before Ohioes
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.