Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.