Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You Might Also Like
I cannot call her anything else now
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.