Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?