Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
finally found a reasonable question
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Nothing.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.