Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!