Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”