Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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i have never needed anything in my life more than this
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
getting corrected
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
then why did i get this email
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.