Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
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“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.