Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Stonehinge
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Ah yes. The three genders
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.