Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
“Wait, let me explain..”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
HERE’S MARKY
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.