Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
You Might Also Like
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.