Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
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America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I Can’t Tonight…
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Had to try this trend 😊
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *